Trigger Warning: Grief, Loss

No time to waste, let’s go:

A week later… 

Without a word… 

Without me knowing… 

He left. 

Without a word…

Without me knowing… 

My soul built a fire… 

Took a vow of silence… 

And that was the day… 

My soul stopped talking. 

….

We hadn’t spoken since that day in the cafeteria. 

I thought about Him every day. 

We had a very dear friend in common.

My term of endearment for the 3 of us: The “Wolf Pack”.

I spoke with my dear friend about how I felt.

My dear friend already knew how I felt.

My dear friend already knew how He felt.

It was obvious.

My dear friend who spent almost every night with Him and I… suggested…

Time.

Space.

Patience.

It was natural.

….

After, sending several unanswered texts. 

I tried calling.

No answer.

Something was unnatural. 

….

Late March… 

Sun barely rising… 

Glance at my phone…

6:49 am…

Put it back down…

Close my eyes… 

Sit straight up… 

Wide awake…

HIM.

He had messaged me: 4:01 a.m.

At first…
I was ecstatic. 
Him. 

We messaged all day the first day.

It was amazing. 

I had His attention.

I loved every second.

And He was Him…
And I was Me…
And We were Us. 

He seemingly never got tired of sending texts. 

One… after another… 
after another… 
after another. 

An endless stream. 
I could barely keep up reading them… 
At some point I realized…
It was pointless trying to answer everything.
At some point I realized… 
It was pointless trying to answer at all.
At some point I realized…
 I didn’t even need to be part of the conversation.

It was clear.
He was not reading what few messages, I had been able to send in response. 

It was clear. 
He was brilliantly beautifully broken.
My heartbeat morse code: His name.  

And…
Something… was… unnatural. 

Then…
Without a word…
He left again. 

No answer to my messages…
No answer to my calls.

Then…
I was blocked. 

….

For months… 
I heard from him on and off.

Random mornings I would wake up…
And..
There… HE… was…

Habitually, the same timeframe: 3:15 am-4:30 am. 

And…
Every time… 
He was still brilliantly beautiful.

And…

Every time…

My fragile heart, aching for what once was… 

slowly, bleeding out my true sadness, reading words that came from His gloriously gifted, yet, painfully silently screaming shattered soul… 

realizing He… 

was lost again, within Himself… waging wars, perhaps others never knew about, yet, came streaming out in orchestras of chaotic poetry during murky night hours, when only I could understand.

And…
I understood…
And I knew.

He was something. 

And…
Something… was… unnatural. 

….

May 30, 2023

9:53 pm
HIM:

You know, [I] do care about you. 
You’ve been on my mind. I just had to get to [a] point where I could {put} [my] full time and attention. 
And [I’ve been doing] soul searching.
And I love you Angel. 
And you are (unknown) 
we have (a) deep bond(s), 
And yes, (unknown).”

….

June 15, 2023
2:34 pm 

Message – 
Counsellor from rehab 
I need to talk to you“.

This moment… is the moment that I didn’t know my soul would never… be… able… to go back to being in this world fully again.

….

“It’s about Him…”, Her voice comes across the line.

Something… is… unnatural.

I sit… there’s no thoughts… there’s no time… 

“Yea?”

“He’s not with us anymore… I’m so sorry…”, She says quietly. 

Mind blank… body numb.

It’s natural.

“Angel?…”, She prods gently. 

Blood rushing to my head.

It’s natural.

“No. I just spoke with him a few days ago”, I profess. 

My head shaking no vigorously… over… and… over… and over.

It’s natural. 

“He just told me He loved me…”, I 

argue.

Denial in full force.

It’s natural. 

“It can’t be…This isn’t possible. He said He was sober!!”, I cry out. 

Reality hitting so deep vision is no longer an option.

Its unnatural. 

“I know”, She answers,”We don’t know for sure when He…”
I hang up.
It’s natural. 

Silence so loud in my ears.
I can’t hear. 
Alone. 
I can’t breathe. 
Numb. 
Until… my heart cracks open in my chest… tearing apart the very vessel keeping me alive. 

It’s natural. 

….

Hours gone by… 

Stillness my only way.

No escape from this pain…
Looking in the mirror…
My soul bubbling up with fiery memories, tears, and questions… 

But… no one to listen…

My soul manically released a visceral laugh… 

It was natural. 

….

He was gone. 

That was it. 

No more chances.

For anything.  

No more time.

For anything. 

No goddamn goodbye. 

….

And… 
My eyes forever wet from my soul’s tears… 
Watch the stars, knowing you watch over me, an Angel in the skies. 

….

Loving someone that suffers from addiction, mental health issues, depression, or abuse, is a killer in itself. 

Living life without that someone after they have passed away from that suffering…
Is Hell in itself. 

To all those walking this path with me… 
Light your torches…
Hold them high…
For We… 
We always fight the good fight here on Earth, for those here that we can save, in the name of those we have loved and lost to their own battles, who now have their wings, living peacefully up in the Skies. 

“AND WHENEVER I DREAM OF YOU,

I TRY SO DESPERATELY TO 

        CARRY YOU BACK INTO THIS         WORLD AS I WAKE.”

~ Edward Lee

Always Got Your Back, 

Angel Warrior 1Thousand 

~ RIP PUPPI ~
I Love You 

Forever and a Day 

~ MEOW ~