Trigger warning: Rape Mention

“TO LOVE IS TO RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN ANOTHER.” 

                   ~ Eckhart  Tolle

Welcome Back My Favourite Fellow Divine Beings… 

Let us pick up where we left off…

Things between us were clearly getting much more… friendly

We hugged good night, as often as we could without being too obvious about it. 

This night, early of January, He held on tighter… a little longer…

Him, slowly inhaling the scent of my hair, was more intimate than we had been able to be… 

Randomly, I meowed a horny alleycat call at Him as I walked down the Hall to go to my wing… 

He watched me walk all the way to my wing. 

MEOW

…..

As I walked with one of my favourite CCS’ to get my morning meds, he casually asked how my “boyfriend” was doing today… 

After that, random people referred to us as girlfriend and boyfriend. 

We remained silent as to what we were. 

We were watched with extreme ‘Eagle Eyes‘ by the staff. 

I knew the feelings I had. 

I could see the feelings he had. 

Then… 

One Night…

Another man made me an ice cream sundae. 

…. 

That night we sat in the front of the building in a small area of privacy, within, an open area of no privacy at all… 

Complicated? Yep. And that’s the explanation I’m stickin’ with. 

We sat in big comfortable armchairs. Both sober… both clean for well over thirty days… our bodies…our minds… well on the mend. 

He looked straight in my eyes. 

His brown eyes, worried with anxiety… His left knee bouncing up and down, up and down… his usual form. 

Then, with His natural grace: 

“Well, I got feelings… you got ’em?”.

I nodded. 

He plowed on with his beautiful gentle ‘bull in a china shop‘ manner: 

“Yea… I was jealous okay? I didn’t mind that he made you the ice cream. I didn’t like that he was…”,

Flustered, He spit the rest out as quickly as possible before He lost the nerve to say it… 

“I got the feels. I don’t want you to not know that.” 

Like the Grinch at Christmas, my heart swelled ten times its size. 

I replied:

“I got the feels, too.” 

……

Days had passed since we had spoken about our feelings for each other. Nothing had changed between us. We still had endless conversations about everything and anything; we still looked for each other across a crowded room; we still found ourselves in hysterics at our inside jokes, while everyone else looked at us with confusion. 

Until it changed… 

One night after a dart we sat in an area we had never sat before… 

I sat with my legs over the seat chair laying back… 

He pulled his chair so that it touched mine… something not ‘really’ allowed in rehab… 

Silence between us. 

Completely… natural… silence. 

He looked down at me… 

I looked up at him… 

Our eyes locked. 

We both felt that feeling. 

And we both knew… 

That’s when everything changed. 

….. 

Our conversation that night took a turn that it had not taken in our  “friend-ship”…

Suddenly, our conversation needed a PG 17 rating. 

It was exciting. 

It was fun. 

It was natural. 

Stunted… being in a facility… not allowed to touch each other… 

Adding to that wall between us… a curfew to be in our rooms by 11 pm… 

Yet, these things amazingly, made it that mentally we connected on a level that was so much higher…that we didn’t need the physical touch to make that spark fly. 

Our hug goodbye that night was tighter. Longer. Better. 

Possibly….

More than probably…

The most passionate, yet, compassionate hug I’ve ever had.  

It was a deep soul connection. 

…. 

My recovery was my first priority.

His recovery was his first priority. 

We agreed no matter how close we got: we would not… could not… lose our place in the rehabilitation program for fraternization. 

We agreed. 

No fraternization. 

We could wait.

…..

Friday and Saturday nights patients got to stay up later to watch a movie played in the auditorium. 

We never went. 

Until we did. 

Then, we went every weekend. 

….

The lights got turned down completely…  just like a real movie theatre. 

The popcorn was popped in one of those big air poppers…  just like in a real movie theatre. 

The screen was large, the volume really loud… just like in a real movie theatre. 

I wanted to watch one of my favourites: Law Abiding Citizen. 

Him and I sat putting that suggestion in for movie night, over and over, as many times as we could … 

…in as many different handwritings as we could.

 Amazingly, that Friday night: Law Abiding Citizen. 

That was the first time we went. 

That was the first time I was that close to Him. 

I hadn’t been this nervous around a man in a very, very long time. 

I could tell He was nervous too. 

I, also, hadn’t seen a man nervous around me in a very, very long time. 

Eventually, movie’s playing loud… 

Lights are dark… 

Eyes are on the screen…

However…

Every movement He made I was aware of. 

Every breath He took I took one too. 

Every once in a while…

He would look at me awkwardly, or quizzically, or even just blankly… 

For the first time… I couldn’t read Him…

Suddenly, He announced… 

 It was time for a dart. 

….. 

Outside, the frigid temperatures were cold enough it was almost too difficult to breathe. 

Huddled together… up against the building…

He stood in front of me, barricading the wind with His back, as He lit my cigarette first.

 Suddenly, we were face to face. 

He took the lit dart, placing it gently between my lips. 

“This is my favourite movie.”,  He announced, in a voice of silk. 

“Oh yea? Since when?”, I laughed… captivated by how His brain worked. 

“Tonight. I always thought it was great. Now, it’s my favourite.”, 

His bashful, yet,  deliciously innocent, ruby red lips curved up perfectly so that His dimples were in full effect: creating an impression, I’ll remember Forever and a Day.

MEOW! 

We had never been this close face-to-face before. His oversized 

fur-trimmed hood met my fur-trimmed hood covering both of our faces. 

Brown eyes on both sides of the equation, glistening with anticipation… each locked on the others. 

My stomach did a flip. Then flipped right back. 

This was… THE MOMENT… 

Rehab or not… 

Fraternization or not…

This was… the moment… 

Our minds connected… 

Our hearts connected… 

Our souls connected… 

It was inevitable… 

His soul sent electricity through my soul… 

“Can I put my hand here?”, He barely whispered… waiting for me to give a little nod, before He gently put His hand on my hip… 

I breathed in deeply… 

His arm slipped half way around my back… 

“Is that okay?”, Before He could finish the words, the way I looked at Him told Him everything He needed to know… 

His eyelashes so close to my face, I can feel them flutter… 

Our hearts close enough to drum their song together in unison… 

Same song… different beat… 

His eyes dart down to my lips… 

Then…

Our eyes lock again for one more second… 

THEN…

Beside us the door slams open. 

People come rushing out. 

Voices, at the top of their lungs, happily echoing across the snow covered landscape. 

The moment gone…

One minute… 

And it was perfect… 

But it was gone… 

He quickly lit a “dart”… overacting the whole “coolness” scene… 

I started laughing… 

Then He started laughing… 

He looked right at me… 

Dead in my eyes… 

“MEEEEEEOOOOOWWWW!!!!”, 

He literally said. 

No sound effects. Just the word. 

Really loud. 

And… 

Our hysterics continued until we realized how fucking cold it was again.  

We went inside to finish the movie. 

…. 

Friday nights became our new favourite night of the week. 

A few weeks later…

We stepped outside just before the movie to have a “dart” (my favourite word of his)…

I looked at Him… 

He lit a dart quickly, handed it to me, bouncing up and down the entire time, snarls of frozen air blowing from His ruby red lips… 

I proceeded to inhale a puff… as quickly as I could… 

Shaking His head at me vigorously, not able to speak facing the wind, He reached for my hand… 

I, however, had already realized choosing to inhale like this, was possibly the worst choice I could have made… 

My lungs, I decided, were flash frozen … with a bonus prize of being filled with smoke… 

My eyes locked on his… 

Pleading with Him… 

I was fully expecting to self-combust at any second… 

He calmly asked if He could hug me… 

I nodded… 

Gently, He hugged me… 

His warmth… 

The warmth from His body… 

Only a moment or two… my lungs relaxed…my breath came to me easily again…

The warmth from His breath on my ear… 

I closed my eyes… 

Melted into Him… 

I let Him make everything better… not just the cold… for a moment… 

I pretended we were normal people, on a normal day, living normal lives… 

I pretended we weren’t in a situation that He had to let go… 

I pretended we weren’t two lost individuals trying to find our way in a world that had never really been kind to either of us… 

I pretended that we weren’t going to be separated in a moment by the sheer chaos we had created in our own damn worlds, long before we had ever met… 

I pretended that this right here…was… my… reality…

Quickly…

Suddenly…

Before I started to cry…

I stepped back… 

Thanked him for “saving my life”…

 Ducked back inside… 

Wiped the rogue tear away before anyone could see… 

Got comfy beside Him back in the auditorium of the rehabilitation facility…

 Where our true reality awaited. 

The movie wasn’t one I would pick to watch myself. 

I didn’t even know what was happening most of the time. 

I watched it so I could sit close to Him. 

On-screen… suddenly… bad… things…were… happening… 

Bad things I didn’t like… 

I latched onto Him without even thinking about it… 

It was natural… 

White knuckles holding onto His hand…

My head buried into His shoulder until I could only hear and breathe Him… 

He ran his free hand over my shoulder reassuring me I was okay… 

His hand trembling…

“Hey…”, His voice barely audible,

“Hey…”, He said again. 

I looked up at Him…

We were so close to each other… 

He looked at me… 

His usually playful brown eyes full of concern…

He took both my hands holding them in both of his… 

I buried myself inside of Him yet again… this time tears soaking His shirt… 

Sitting up straighter, keeping me as close as He could, keeping my hands in his, He whispered in my ear everything I needed to hear from all those men who had hurt me… He told me everything I needed to hear from a father I never had… He told me everything I needed to hear from a man who truly cares about a woman who is in emotional distress… He told me everything I needed to hear from Him. 

He said 5 sentences. 

None of them were about love. 

I’ll remember them Forever and a Day. 

He wiped away my tears. 

For a moment everything seemed to be a romance ending… 

Until, I looked back at the screen… 

Rape Scene… 

Aggressive, vivid imagery, rape scene…

Frozen…

Time was no more… 

In my head, my body was transported to several different timelines… all in which I did not want to be… 

CPTSD…

My panic began as a tremble… 

Instinctively, I slid backwards into my chair… 

“Hey”, Softly His voice came from above the horror scene… 

“Hey”, Again, as he took my hands into his… I slid directly into His side… hiding my head from my personal trauma playing out for everyone’s personal enjoyment… characterized by pretty actresses and actors… 

My own mind digging a hole straight through my eyes to get away from flashbacks replaying… 

Burying my head into his neck, again, I cried… 

It was natural. 

With His one hand in the air covering my eyes, the other holding onto my hand that was still white-knuckling Him, His voice melodiously on repeat:

“Hey… you’re ok… nobody can hurt you here… We’re here together”, I rocked back and forth, tears streaming down my face… 

Finally, I stopped crying… 

Finally, I looked up at Him… 

His eyes wet with tears…

His eyes blinking furiously… 

Realizing I’m looking at Him… He looks down at me… 

Our faces are inches apart… 

At that moment… 

Everything in my world was okay… 

Everything that ever happened to me, or, because of me… 

Was all better… 

And I knew we weren’t allowed to hold hands… 

And I knew we would get in trouble… 

And I knew that we were being watched… 

In that moment… 

I didn’t know anything… other than His Soul made all of the cracks in my Soul, feel bright with a light of pure connection. 

And it was natural. 

This euphoric moment was brought to a sudden halt… 

Auditorium lights come flying on… 

Everyone in the auditorium panics a bit, scurries over from whomever they were nudged beside… 

Or, whomever was just eating popcorn watching the flick, now laughing at the cuddlers trying so hard not to get caught…

The “Principal”, (for lack of a better term), of rehab, screams: 

“Angel! You can watch the movie from over here!”, pointing at a chair very far away from where I am currently sitting. 

Clearly, very unhappy with our current state of “connection”…

Leaving the lights on, storm off to exit, scolding ended, movie now done, viewers slowly migrating out of the auditorium. 

We looked at each other…

We laughed out loud… 

Until we didn’t. 

Things got a little hectic for a few moments… 

We threatened to leave the facility for ME being treated so poorly by a male member of the staff… 

We changed our minds… 

We yelled about our view on the situation… 

Some people agreed… 

Some people laughed at us… 

Some people talked shit about us… 

Then… 

After we grew tired of ourselves… 

We gave up the ghost. 

It was over. 

We knew we were in the wrong. 

We went to bed. 

We did not hug each other that night. 

Or the next. 

….

Moments passed between us. 

Ones I will remember forever. 

Ones I could continue on Forever and a Day with. 

The rest I will keep for my own mental photo album of: 

Meow & Puppi’s: Just Us

….

The day before Valentine’s Day. 

The lie I had been telling myself: I didn’t have feelings for the past almost 60 days came crashing down, when suddenly, “we” weren’t “us” anymore. 

The lie: I had been telling myself that He was just my friend… 

The lie: I had been telling myself that I had no intention of following through with anything on the outside… 

The lie: I had been telling myself that “the feels” were just butterflies, fresh from being clean, nothing more…

The lie: I had been telling myself that our connection would dwindle away once time came for one of us to move on… 

Suddenly, when one moment He turned His soul away from mine… 

Suddenly, when one moment He consciously made me aware that I was no longer a part of His world… 

Suddenly, when one moment my soul couldn’t connect to His… 

Suddenly, when one moment my mind couldn’t understand His mind… 

Suddenly, when one moment I didn’t recognize myself in Him…

All of those lies I had told myself… 

Broke my heart.

I broke my own fucking heart. 

It was then I knew I had fallen for Him truly and completely.

It was then I knew my soul truly and completely revered His soul.

….

Watching as He dispassionately walked away from me… leaving me standing in the cafeteria… surrounded by half a dozen people witnessing my souls coming destruction… 

The first tear fell from my eyes… 

I called out His name… 

He turned casually… haphazardly… non-characteristically… 

“What?”, He demanded. 

“I just want to talk to you…”, I tried sounding normal. 

His soul seemingly weighing a trillion times more than it had the day before… 

His eyes never meeting mine… 

“Naw. Later.”, He barely got the words out before walking away. 

“When?”, I called back in panic… fear… desperation… sadness… urgency… but most of all… worry… worry about me… worry about Him… worry about what happened… 

He didn’t reply.

….

      ~  “ALL I LOVED, 

                    I LOVED ALONE.” ~

                              ~ E.A.P.

Always Got Your Back 

Angel Warrior 1Thousand