Welcome to my darkness my Dear Moon Dancers: 

Self Destruction. 

Self Sabotage. 

Self Preservation. 

Different definitions.

Same meaning to my mind…

Same feeling to my body…

Pure unaltered torment creating chaos within and without my physical being.

Authentic raw torture playing an orchestrated attack against my newfound faith, my willpower and self-control, but, possibly worst of all, my own personal beliefs about right and wrong.

Anarchy that portrays my past in a black and grey film every night behind closed eyes, until sweating and awake, my future plays out like a facade for me in a dark room with no one else to watch, I sit alone, waiting for daybreak.

……

This is the worst feeling to experience as someone recovering from trauma/addiction/abuse.

This feeling comes without any warning.

This feeling comes without any reason.

The fight that it takes to win the battle against yourself is one that takes a true Warrior to win.

When we choose the road not taken, it comes with so many unknowns that we need to take our time walking the road. Obstacles and challenges come: we expect those to be a time when we may need extra support.

Times of success come…

Suddenly, we find ourselves in a state of panic…
…..

My own personal unconscious desire for self-sabotage has never been greater than it has been in the previous few weeks.

An undying sense of loss accompanied by a sudden elevation in memory recall of past moments of undue collapse.
…..

On November 9, 2023 I will be 1 year clean and 1 year away from all the trauma and chaos that surrounded my life.

My only dreams and goals are to succeed as a person who is clean; who is mentally strong; who can love healthy people and love unconditionally; and to live my life with a passion that I can help others achieve their dreams at the same time I achieve mine.

Yet, the sheer HELL I have been putting myself through for the last few weeks has made me realize I have to work harder than ever to keep walking the road that has been my saviour.

Slowly, the pain of losing several people in the past few months to the Other Side, became too overwhelming to bear. Allowing myself to hide within my home was easier than facing a world where everyone is not on the same journey as I.

This quickly became isolation.

Isolation became comfort.

Comfort became uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable became unbearable.

A cycle completed.

My dark night of the soul coming to an end.

The sadness melting away.

The despair solidifying once again into a deep understanding of how the universe works: we are all one.

Tears once a constant flow, now dried.

Finding the strength to reach out.

Missed connections…

Lift my head up…

Look in the mirror…

A stranger looking back…

A reflection I’ve seen for months…

A new perspective on what I used to be…

Breathing deep…

The reflection breathes deep…

The reflection is I…

I am the reflection…

Acceptance.

…..

No matter how hard I try to ensure I don’t self-destruct, self-sabotage, or self-preserve, my body and mind are still in the process of healing and I will continue to have reactions to this “new road” that are unpredictable.

I have never walked this road before.

My future is bright.

I can see it from where I stand right now.

I already fought the most intense battles I will ever face and I won.  

I will win against myself. 
Always Got Your Back
Angel Warrior 1Thousand