Hello To All My Fellow Warriors

Coping. Coping is something we all have to do in order to survive life and the situations that we find ourselves in. Trauma. Abuse. Suffering. Pain. These all lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, loss, lowered self-worth, and loss of self-control. The coping mechanisms we use are often unhealthy. Addiction. Sleeping. Eating or not eating, and so many others. However, we coped. We made it through. For that, I am grateful. 

Better coping skills include journaling, talking, group therapy, self-care, reading, and other activities that you are interested in and able to focus on in order to improve your mental state at that moment of your journey that is taking you to a place that is not a place where you want to live. 

For me, poetry is my outlet. When my mind wanders to destinations that are less than ideal for me, and my mental stability, I start writing. The poetry that comes from what is centred in my brain is often raw, and often painful, but it is the only way I feel I can express my emotions in a positive manner that calms me deeply and helps me to feel more at peace with the past trauma that I must stitch into my present life. 

This week I thought I would share some of my poetry that I wrote while in my rehabilitation program. When I write my poetry I just sit and write whatever is in my mind at that given moment. It can come from many different sources of energy and pain. It is raw and can cause severe triggers for others

A snapshot into my life in my poetry: 

My Anxiety

The feeling of being uneasy… 
The feeling of just not sitting right In my own skin… 
Wanting to step out of myself… 
Feeling like I could split into two from the vibrations holding me still 
Breaths so deep, yet I can’t get air… 
My anxiety truly playing unfair 
Trying to focus so I don’t swallow my tongue 
Swallowing sandpaper grains with the weight of Advils stuck in my throat … choke… choke … choke 
Tips of my fingers numb gives measure for the pins and needles in the tips of my toes 
Aware of every hair on my head 
My anxiety waging war upon me, with the remix of repeats of every stupid word I ever said 
Every noise around louder than before
Jumping every time something new sounds out loud 
Trying to ground myself, trying to hold myself up 
Hearing the tick-tock of the clock 
Time is running forward yet standing still at the same time 
Close my eyes, prayer to the skies, sweat trickles down 
Blood rushing to a vein near my lip 
I bite it over and over hoping I can wish myself into tomorrow 
Pushing my hands together then taking them apart 
Should I be hearing the beat of my very own heart?
Darkness inside the back of my eyes 
To my surprise…
My anxiety finally let me breathe. 

Remembering Me

Lost in woods burning down 
Head hanging, lost my crown 
I’ve come so far just to backtrack 
I found my old friends: meth, fenny, & crack 
Waitin for me on the way home, my dealers, my fate sealers, my deathly appealers
Tried to say nope, dope answered with an easy way to cope 
Trauma killin my soul, this just my usual roll 
Head achin from overthinking
Sorry, I ain’t the fucking pope
Ain’t even in the church 
I’m the one they be pimpin 
I’m the one left in the lurch 

Got money to spend, got somebody who be nice enough to lend, fought a friend who called me a liar, might be reality, but hate when I’m caught, right when I’m wrong, on time when I’m late, see with no sight, got my dope… sorry… I gotta be gone… 

Prefer to be by my lonesome 
Fate plays well with addicts alone going hard 
Hell stays with us both when high and when dry as a bone 
Sometimes I wanna die… sometimes I just cry… sometimes I fucking fly… most times… I just get by 
My whole entity consumed by a need to feed my torture with lines, pipes, & needles 
Never do I heed the warning of others come before 
Somebody lock the door … 
Call my dealer up … fuck… I need more 
This shit ain’t no goddamn game 
What I’m doin eats me to my core
Still everyday I gotta do the fucking same 
Don’t throw shade, don’t place blame
Stand here, stand where I be standing, stand where the streets take everything including your goddamn name 
I ain’t ashamed, yet I’m filled with Shame 
Ask me how that’s not one in the same… 
Cuz my brain done gon mostly insane 
Jus wanted to drop a line, before I did this next meth line, in case I’m not fine

Remember me before, remember me from better times 
remember me before I ran with the hood, remember me the way you should, remember me when I was good, remember be when I was good, if you could… 

Love of My Life

Inside my loneliness lays the foundation of my life with you 
I hide behind my own self loathing rewinding the day our love died
Watching you leave, wishing I could have said something to change your mind, falling to the floor, it’s just the millionth time, I can’t help myself, I’m here alone, again I’m crying
Hearing your beautiful voice lying 
If I wished a wish upon a flying star 
It would be to erase that final war 
It would be for you to come back 
It would be that within me there was nothing I lack 
Dope, trauma, and the game won over our love 
Nope it wasn’t the shame we both carry; we truly were one in the same 
I look above at skies so dark; I ask the moon if you’re looking too 
For so long I’ve sat alone; I really don’t want to love anyone new 
If it’s not you, I’ll sit by myself, just me and the stars, cause without you I’ll be eternally blue 

These Poems Remind Me

I chose these 3 poems because they remind me the last 6 years of what I would say was truly the toughest chapter in my book of life. However, I also chose them because I am hoping that they are poems that will make a connection with many of my Angels out there. We have all struggled with our emotions. We have all faced inner turmoil. We have all lost love. 

Find your outlet. Let it be your light in your darkness that elicits a brightness that you can feel inside and then share your light with the world. Cast darkness off of others with your light. 

We are the ones who are able to see through darkness without fear. We are WARRIORS. Keep on keepin’ on! 

Always Got Your Back
Angel Warrior 1Thousand