Trigger Warning: Drug Use
Hey, guys, it’s Ruby here, for this blog post I wanted to share with you something that I wrote for my mom. I cried while writing it, and it took a lot for me to actually type the words out. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share something vulnerable.
Hey mom, it’s your birthday today, you’re 50 years old already. I’ve heard you’re doing better now and I’m so proud of you! I love you so much still, and even just to prepare writing this, I’m crying. Looking at these pictures is like a punch right into my soul. After I showered and was drying between my toes I got sucker punched by the memory how you used to dry in between my toes as a child and then do this little piggy went to the market. You’re pretty much the only reason I find myself coming to tears, not because I hate you or I’m mad at you, but because random good memories come to me, and that’s when my inner child comes out. My inner child misses her mom, she doesn’t understand.
“My Inner child misses her mom, she doesn’t understand.”
Then my inner teen tries to come out and tell her she should be mad, and full of hate. Then I remember the times in active addiction, something nobody should have to go through with their parents. You having to break my ribs to give me CPR, because I was technically dead, getting scared of my psychosis demons and sitting on your lap trying to calm myself down, 5 a.m out of stuff no one can sleep, teaching you how to cook drugs. I don’t blame you for it. I don’t blame myself either. Neither of us forced the other’s hand, you were doing your thing, I was doing my thing, then we came together. That’s what I wish I could forget. I wish I could blank those years out. But instead, I find myself mourning you even though you’re still alive. But then again I also have hope. I’ve heard you’re in sober living and put on weight. I hope you stick through it, not just because you’re being forced to right now, but because you want it for yourself. Trust the process, I truly believe in you, we’re cut from the same cloth, if I can do this, then you can too! And if you stick to it, maybe you can join an NA group and I can give you your medallions and you can give me mine. I have faith in you!
I love you and miss you so much Mommy. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️