Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm
Hello To All My Fellow Warriors:
Trauma. Heartache. Agony. Suffering. Devastation… Pure emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion, then collapse brought on by overwhelming distress and pain.
As the Warriors we are, we have survived many different situations and struggles that we experienced with different degrees of trauma in. However, trauma is the most difficult part of the experience to understand and endure.
We endured the abuse… and SURVIVED! We endured the rape… and STOOD UP! We endured being human trafficked… and GOT OUT! We endured all of it….. AND WE ARE ALIVE!! WE ARE WARRIORS… WE ARE SOLDIERS… WE DO NOT STOP EVEN IF EVERYTHING IS AGAINST US…. WE FIGHT WARS… AND WIN BATTLES!!!!
Trauma. The trauma that is left inside of us is sheer terror that can bring us to our knees in painful moments of grief and suffering from severe psychological and physical pain caused by our reactions to such things that are so devastating to us that we cannot help but shatter at the sight or feel or smell or touch or a fraction of a noise. This pain is a result of our response to the memories of past events that created lasting deep feelings of unending anxiety and loss; whether we realize we have them or not, traumatic experiences impact us in ways that change our perception of reality and the way we think about our lives.
I honestly thought I was “healed” from the rapes I have suffered. I honestly thought I was “over” the human trafficking I endured. I honestly thought I was “done” with the sadness that consumed me caused by the men that emotionally and physically abused me. I honestly thought I was “cured” from all the trauma I had experienced in my life with all the very hard work I have put in in the past 6 months of my recovery… This was proven to be a glass lie, easily shattered with one photo… one look at one of the men who was part of traumatizing me so badly that I had thoughts of him dying all the time… however, I’m not inclined to take anyone’s life…but my own… I tried to take my own life when I couldn’t handle any more pain from the life I was stuck in…. but my Higher Power was my saviour… and when this man who was entangled in my life traumatizing me in ways that have left scars that speak out loud, tried to take my life… not once… but twice… my Higher Power again was my saviour.
The pain inflicted upon me by this man was manipulative and calculated. When I finally found my footing and stood up… I ran. I didn’t look back. Many months later I thought I was in a better place mentally and emotionally; I thought I could face this man again. A photo brought me to my knees. A photo took my breath away. A photo made me feel so physically sick that I thought I would faint… I thought I would be physically ill. My eyes tunnelled with my peripheral vision fuzzy like an old television screen. My heart beat faster than a drummer in a heavy metal concert on cocaine. My thoughts both stopped and raced. I began to sweat. I began to tremble. I began to cry….. it’s the next day and I’m still crying.
Last night was the worst night I’ve had since I got away from the torture that was my life. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t be … me. I do not know when it will feel better. I don’t know when it will be okay again. It is a wave that I have to ride in order to get back to the calm. The best I can do is talk. Talk to those I trust. Talk about what I’m feeling. Talk to those who will listen about what I’m experiencing. The next best thing I can do is listen. Listen to those I trust. Listen to what they have to offer me on my feelings about what I’m experiencing. The third best thing I NEED to do is make choices based on all of those things combined for my own personal well-being and my own personal health in order to get to that calm.
The hardest part of the trauma is dealing with the pain that suddenly becomes life again without choosing old ways of coping. Sitting with the consequences that someone else caused is the worst pain we have to endure in our lives. …however…
I am very grateful to have felt this deep emotional experience…Without experiencing true trauma, I never would have known true joy… and now that I know I have experienced the worst pain I can remember… I know I have experienced true joy, which I wasn’t sure of before.
Without the rain, we would never know the love of the sun. We are WARRIORS… We have a will that is not for the weak!!
Keep Going Even When You Think You Can’t… That Is When You Become Your Own Hero!!!!
Always Got Your Back,
Angel Warrior 1Thousand
Thank you for sharing. That must have been difficult and yet freeing. Thank you for trusting again in good people who are there to love and support you. I’ve never been where you have been but know someone dear to me who was. She didn’t make it. I’m glad you have and continue to embrace your life. You are worth it dear girl!
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am honoured to be able to know your experiences in this life. It is with great sadness for our hearts that are broken for the one we lose. I’m deeply touched by your loss.
Trusting again is delicately difficult, yet an integral component of the recovery process for not only the relationships with the people around me, but also, for the relationship with myself.
We trust others only as much as we trust ourselves.
I’m grateful to you for taking the time to read my thoughts.
Angel Warrior 1Thousand