How are my fellow Warriors doing today? This past week for me has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have decisions to make that have decidedly become more difficult than I expected as they impact the future of my life and my recovery.
When I was using it was easy to make decisions, however, those decisions always came back to haunt me whether right away or later, whether I had good or bad intentions, and even whether I truly thought, or didn’t, about the ultimate outcome of the decision.
Choice in life as an addict is inevitably an issue that has consequences that are far from the greatest of our issues, yet, they usually lead to the greatest of our issues.
My life as an addict led me down treacherous paths that were long and painful for me to endure, however, had it not been for the pain that consumed my heart and soul, I truly would not be the person I am today. On April 7th, I celebrated 5 months of sobriety and 5 months away from the abuse and trafficking that was the reality of my existence. My reality today is much different; I still suffer from CPTSD and depression, but my mental state has improved significantly since I started working at my own self-improvement, self-love, and self-discipline, however, a lot has been lost in my life that I may never fully recover: family members who are struggling with my recovery process, friends that are not able to forgive me for the past, and my own struggles that I have been unable to overcome as a result of the loss of my own mental health and my own spirituality, and much much more.
On a daily basis, I practice spirituality by speaking with my Creator as a way to help me understand my own thoughts and emotions and to help others by asking for guidance on behalf of them. I have been able to learn more about myself through this journey with my spirituality; I have been able to understand my inner self through my spirituality; I also have been able to find guidance from my Creator through my faith as a result of my spirituality on my journey. When I am having a particularly difficult time I find that if I practice spirituality my body, mind, and soul come to a state of complete silence and peace as I hand over my control to my Higher Power allowing myself to be able to be more calm with any thoughts that arise and the decisions that I have to make seem to be much less intrusive. I trust that my journey is going through a very long process of healing and I will continue to be able to do so in a positive light as a result of my actions, and if I can continue to work towards the future I know I can achieve by allowing myself to be able to live in peace with the situations that arise, then I can be more successful with this new life that I’ve been working on creating for myself. This means that I need to understand that I am not in control of the world around me; I am only in control of myself and, as such, my own personal decisions have to take place within the context of a spiritual mindset.
I have also been able to recognize my own inner turmoil as a perpetual inner fight between myself and my inner child who was not properly prepared for this adulthood. My childhood had a tremendous impact on my mental health and my life as a result of the trauma I suffered during the past. I’m so grateful that I can finally be with my inner child to help her grow through her trauma as she lived through pain, yet, never was able to grow up with the same kind of emotional support that she needed in order to become an independent adult. As an adult my struggles with co-dependency, drug addiction, depression, anxiety, abandonment issues, loneliness, poor self-esteem, and lack of self-awareness and self-worth are all factors contributing to my inability to understand my inner child’s needs to be heard and helped. My inability to make a decision, and follow through with it is a direct result of my inability to understand how to make my inner child feel at peace.
My recovery has included working with my inner child in a way that makes me more aware of what I’m feeling when I’m in a situation that makes me want to cause my life harm. My inner child was still alive inside me, innocent yes, but broken and crying. My inner child had not been able to see through the darkness of the pain that surrounded her life; she shrouded inside afraid and tearful with nobody to talk to or help her through the grief that engulfed her. Our inner children were unable to understand what they were experiencing as they struggled through a world where their emotions were so intense that they were unable to comprehend what was happening, and so, while our bodies grew, our minds began to become less focused on what was happening to us and how we felt about it; we were unable to control what was being done at such a young age and so, we began to feel that our emotions were more like a place of fear than a place of self-awareness in place to express our own sense of reality. As we became increasingly more focused on what we could be more in control of, we became less aware of our own inner self as well as our own personal innocence. We began to deny ourselves the ability to be innocent and in fact, fear the possibility that we might have a better understanding of ourselves as a whole if we could be aware of our inner child and their needs. We as adults, need to understand and accept our inner child in order to become a better person and be able to help ourselves grow as individuals. We need to give our inner child that which was not given to us a child.
I have had conversations with my inner child about how we are safe now and how we are going forward with our lives in a healthy and loving environment. I have stood in front of the mirror to speak to my inner child to tell her that I will take care of her and that she is not alone; I have cried for her and her pain. Finally, I spoke her truth about all the injustices that she faced and allowed her to be with healthy people who care deeply for us and our life, and that will help us heal from the trauma that was inflicted upon us. This work was not easy by any means; in the beginning, I thought it quite silly to be honest; however, after practicing these techniques I found myself feeling more at peace with my emotions and my own inner turmoil and anxiety and I realized that it was in actuality a very important part of my recovery process as a person to be able to fully heal from all of the trauma in my life.
These things combined certainly shifted my perspective and have helped me to be more focused on the positive aspects of life, which in turn, allows me to be more decisive when dealing with my own prospects in life rather than just being a part of a continuous process that is constantly going through a lot of difficult times in the process of trying to make a decision. Decisions are based on what is best for the individual and what is best for their own happiness. As addicts or abused persons, we have difficulty understanding what IS best for us, however, with some work we can liberate ourselves from the chains that bind us and find our way into a new vision that allows us to make progress in our everyday lives without fear of being judged by others and without fear of losing ourselves in our own ways as a consequence of our decisions.
I used to make snap decisions about anything and everything, but then when I got whatever it was that came out of the choice I made, I usually was unable to find happiness in it. Today I am able to focus more on the future impact of my choices and the impact on others that my choices will have. These things combined together with the work I have been doing in my recovery have helped me to make better decisions in my life as well as help others with their own struggles. I am by no means where I want to be yet, but I am far from where I was, and that in itself is an accomplishment that has been achieved through diligence and dedication to my own personal self-improvement and self-development as a result of the love that I have received from my SHH supports, my Victim Service team supports, and my rehabilitation supports. They loved me until I could love myself.
Making decisions for anyone is not easy; be patient with yourself. we are “works in progress” with great potential for success, but the best thing we can do is work towards a better tomorrow. Do the next right thing and the next right thing shall come to you. It may never be easy to make that next step; it may never be easy to make that choice; it may never be easy to change your mind; however, it is possible to change your mindset to change the way you think about yourself in order to change the situation that you’re most likely to have a different perspective on, therefore, changing the perspective of yourself in the next step of your journey.
We have fought battles and won wars! We have faced darkness and found the light! We have seen demons and monsters… still, we fight… still, we fly… WE ARE WARRIORS… WE ARE ANGELS! We do not back down! We do not give up! I have faith that you can do anything and everything you want to achieve in your life!! Look yourself in the mirror today and tell yourself you are a WARRIOR and you are not alone. Tell yourself that you will be successful… YOU WILL BE!!!
Fly high my Angels!
Fight hard my Warriors!
Always Got Your Back,
Angel Warrior 1Thousand