Trigger Warning: Substance & Chemical Abuse, Sexual Assault, Abuse
Good Day Fellow Warriors,
I hope all of my Angels are having a great March whether the weather is getting warmer or the snow is still falling; it’s funny how in one area it can be warm, whereas, in another, it can be cold still. The same goes for all of us recovering whether from addiction, trafficking, or abuse. We all recover in different ways, at different rates, and with different patterns, however, with the right approach, tools, and support, we can and DO recover from ANYTHING we put the work into.
The most difficult part for me in recovery was making that first decision to actually go through with the recovery process. I knew I needed help as my life had truly become unmanageable: I was a true addict in every sense of the word. I was deep in drug addiction, using narcotics every day, all day; I never slept, staying awake with unhealthy fears paralyzing me and keeping me in the cycle of using; I wanted to sleep; I needed to sleep; I CRAVED SLEEP! Yet I could not even force myself to lay down; the process of getting the drugs I used was an addiction in itself, and as such, as soon as I would get low on my stash I would inevitably call up my dealers trying frantically to get my next fix. I started buying in extreme quantities in order to ensure I had enough to last, however, this was just a temporary solution to a problem that was not going to be resolved as I started using more and more, which in turn, caused me to need to buy more.
At this time, I was being human trafficked, however, I was living at my own apartment (the plot of this story is complicated so I shall keep it for another blog); all of the money I made completely went to my addiction- in my hand and straight into my dealer’s hand. I had to use in order just to survive the day’s work. I had to use in order to look myself in the mirror. I had to use in order to breathe. I had to use in order to live, however, I was living every day by slowly killing myself. The amount of weight I had lost was increasingly apparent to everyone who laid eyes upon me; I often felt that my body would never recover from this loss of strength or stamina as I was suffering from depression during days of considering ending my life. I went between being very high on uppers to sleeping for days on downers in order to avoid getting sick from the way my body was doing during this time and in order to survive my mental health issues that were surely a prolonged dr psychosis made from overwhelming amounts of chemicals and substances that caused overdoses and other adverse reactions.
I was suffering from more than abuse from my traffickers who were playing a very good game at making me feel as though I had the upper hand in that game; I was suffering from abusing myself. I was suffering from isolation. I was suffering from severe anxiety. I was suffering from fears that I would be killed by my traffickers at any moment, which caused more narcotic abuse in order for me to stay awake as long as possible. I suffered from fear of being raped yet again at the hands of abusive men who would break into my home; I suffered from severe mental health issues that were often difficult to cope with and were not easily understood by others who would be unable to care for me at all in their lives which left me feeling helpless, alienated, and unable to cope.
I was scared of everything and everyone. I couldn’t even imagine being a part of society anymore. I locked myself in my own apartment alone unless I had to open the door to let a stranger in to “service” him. I could not sleep in my own bed; I had to sleep on my couch sitting up with the music on very loud during the day, and that was after being awake for up to seven or eight days until my body literally collapsed. I would set up mirrors all over my living room so I could see any part of the apartment to ensure nobody could sneak up on me; I placed glass on my windowsills to ensure that anyone grabbing the sills to climb in would cut themselves leaving their DNA; I had to check every room several times before I could go into them when I did wake up or after I left to go get my dope. Sometimes I would sit for hours in silence just listening in case someone was in another part of the apartment. I always had a weapon on me in order to protect myself; I often used my phone to videotape myself just in case something happened and I had evidence. I had severe panic attacks in which I had to call ambulances several times perturbed I was having a heart attack or worse I was overdosing close to death; eventually, it got to the point where when I did believe I was overdosing I would just lay down on my couch, say a prayer, and know that if this was the time, finally it would all be over. I would close my eyes, drift off to sleep, and be distraught when I always did wake up whether it was hours or days later.
This was my life for a long period of time before I could even begin to understand what I had to do in order to survive my own mortality. After realizing my own best friend was part of the human trafficking ring that was terrorizing my life, I reached a new low in my soul, I reached a new darkness in my heart, I reached a new level of self-awareness that was the foundation for my own destiny to become an artist of my own destiny. I spoke my truth loudly to anyone who would listen including the very person responsible for the last eight months of my personal torture, my “ride or die”, and succumbed to a final blow of sexual assault; this was the catalyst that brought me to the conclusion that my life would have to change in order for me to return from the trauma that had surrounded my life for many years. The next day I made arrangements to take back my life by getting into the best rehabilitation facility I could find. Two days later I left my home behind with the help of my SHH worker, Victim Services, and my own personal strength that I didn’t know I had. Over four months later I have grown and changed. My first attempt to remake myself has been a journey that has been very difficult, yet, rewarding; I have been able to make progress in areas that I can focus on in my own time as a result of the process of learning how to use the techniques that are necessary to achieve my goals in life as a whole person and as a result, I have learned to use my tools to improve myself in my daily life as well as my own personal behaviours and thoughts. It has not always been easy, however, it has become more important than any other thing in the universe to have an understanding about how we are all living in this world as a result of our actions and our own experiences as individuals.
I am sure you will find that you will be able to find the answers to your own questions and your own struggles in your life, however, you have to be prepared for the challenges that arise with that challenge. As WARRIORS we fight until the end… we fight until we win! So keep fighting my Angels! I have faith that you too are able to find the courage to take charge of any and all matters in your lives that are causing your pain and suffering in order to make your dreams come true. You are a WARRIOR!! Just keep waking the path that leads you to success… it may not always seem to be an easy path… but that is what makes it so beautiful. That is what makes you so beautiful. Do not compare yourself to others; their path is not yours. It is not a race; there is no finish line; there is only one way out of real tragedy… straight through!!
You will make it happen if you make the choice to fight the fight of your life. Be a SOLDIER. Be a WARRIOR. Be YOU.
Always Got Your Back Angel Warrior 1Thousand