TRIGGER WARNING: includes graphic language, violent language, discussion involving narcotics/alcohol
Hello to all my Angels out there,
I hope this month is finding you well; the cold will soon be out, and the warm will be in! Although the snow is beautiful, personally, I am looking forward to splashing around into some springtime rain. I love rainy days, thunderstorms, and the smell the rain brings: fresh, clean, and new.
Today I would like to share two poems with you that I have written; one is about living in addiction and the other is about surviving being human trafficked. I am putting a severe trigger warning on this blog as the poems do have strong wording including curse words and also, the trafflcking poem is very descriptive, however, this is the way I deal with my trauma. I write poetry in order to vent my thoughts that haunt me; I write poetry in order to get the memories out of my own head and out into the world, and hopefully, others can relate, or even perhaps people who don’t understand can contemplate what we have or do go through when dealing with trauma such as addiction or sexual assaults.
The first poem is going to be about addiction and the second is about the trafficking I endured. Both have affected my life in ways I never expected, but now that I am in recovery, getting help from a trauma therapist, and truly working on myself, I am grateful that I survived these powerful changes to my life as they made me wiser, stronger, and deepened my soul with compassion, empathy, and true knowledge that I can survive if I am willing to.
I dedicate these poems to all my fellow WARRIORS:
I APOLOGIZE
I apologize, sometimes I’m wise, sometimes I lie
I apologize, my words come out completely absurd, I tried some deep breathing, my body tried leaving
I apologize, I’m an addict in recovery finding a new me
Sometimes it’s truly hard to see anything but the way it used to be
I apologize, I cry, I shout, I try, I yell, I just get by
I swear sometimes I feel as though I want to die
I apologize, I’m an addict in recovery with pain to heavy to bear
I apologize, to you it’s not fair
I can hear the deep sighs
I question myself why
Why do I continue to act this way, today i promised would be better than the last, forget the past, move forward, take steps to get to where I’d rather stand
I apologize, I’m an addict trying my best with a mind full of should’s, could’s, and would…
Lost in a race all my own, coming in last cause I always run too fast
I apologize, I’m an addict just here in recovery land trying to understand what is left of my life and how to let go of the rest
I apologize, I’m just me with a wonderful, beautiful, magical soul
Dope, Booze, and the Game took their toll
I apologize, I’m an amazing human sparkling with scars left from battles fought when I locked myself in that fuckin’ blackhole…
Bars, Traps, Streets…
Brass Knuckles, Knives, and Guns…
Nothing was too far for that next relapse
Thinking I’d win, but I’d always get beat…I apologize
I’m just a fuking addict who chuckles too hard cause I’m alive when surely my life should have been done
I apologize…to me…to myself…
I’m an addict in recovery…
I admit I really truly need your help
Please don’t give up, don’t walk away, stay
I know I’m difficult, hard to deal with, harder to love, but I promise, I apologize, let’s talk, I won’t go if you don’t, I’ll tell you how I truly feel
Walk beside me on my journey, I’ll give my all to find truth in deceit and surrender all I can to the Creator above, hoping to land on my feet
I apologize, I’m just a human, flawed yet perfect, addicted yes true, I just need a little support, and I know I got this fuckin’ demon beat…
Clawed my way out of Hell all the way to where we are now
I apologize, I’m in recovery
I’m a bit late I know, but on the way a few times I fell
All I can say is there is only one of me in this world…
When I’m not lit, I’m good, kind, giving, and so much more…
So, today I pray
I got this shit…
I’m living, walking through new doors…
Today I forgive myself…
Love myself a little bit more…
I’m an addict in recovery, it’s lovely, and thank you for helping me to untangle myself…
Helping me to get free…
It’s lovely to be an addict in Recovery
The next poem was written about my time being human trafficked. I warn that it is graphic in nature and might be triggering. This poem, however, helped me to get out some of my demons haunting me from the memories from the torment that I survived. I’ve read in to other survivors of trafficking to which they had a strong emotional response and connection; I hope it does the same for all my fellow WARRIORS:
STUCK IN TRAFFICK
I’m a mess, I’m chaotic, I’m wrecked, I’m a tad psychotic, I’m nothing less
I’m Blessed
I’ve been to Hell, met the Devil himself, he carved his initials on my thigh, then he made me get high
I’m Blessed
Put through tests I couldn’t pass; never knowing how long they would last
Hoping the pistol held to my head wouldn’t blast…
I’m Blessed
Held down on the ground by more than I can count just for their laughter
Still I hear their sickly sounds
I’m Blessed
More dope to cope than any dealer could carry
Doors opened to places so scary
Freezers with heads prettily married forever…so many…too many too count
I’m Blessed
Houses filled with lost women dead in the eyes
Don’t cry
For punishment someone might die…
Child, brother, sister, or mother
I’m Blessed
Stand tall, smile, be pretty…
No talk back…or the sun might not be seen for a very long while
I’m Blessed
“Don’t lie…You’re a whore…Nothing more…You love what you do…You’re not trafficked…We love you and You love us too…”
“Say so….Say so…Say so…”
Disagree???
The last who did was cut in three
I’m Blessed
“We’re your friends til the end…”
“Pretend, or it’s an ice block for you…”
Tick-Tock
Tick-tock
“Play good girl…Play the part…”
Or how quickly it’ll be that I know I’ll depart
I’m Blessed…
I’m Blessed
WARRIORS. I truly hope that you can connect with these poems on a deeper level because connection with fellow survivors is when we are truly healing from the traumas that we have faced!
Next week I have a very interesting interview with a role model of mine who has been sober for NINE years and is also a human trafficking WARRIOR who has faced the same demons we have faced to come out on top of life successful as a woman of grace. She is an inspiration to me, as I hope she will be to you as well.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF SELF-RESPECT, SELF-CARE, AND SELF-LOVE!!
Until Next Time,
Keep Fighting The Good Fight
ANGEL WARRIOR 1THOUSAND
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