Trigger warning: The following blog post mentions themes of suicide.
Hello everyone, and welcome back to another blog with Morty! I know the last blog was a bit heavy maybe for some people to read and that’s okay, believe me, I understand what it’s like. For those who were able to, thank you for taking the time to read it. I know everyone has busy days, and better things to do, but thank you if you took time out of your day to listen to what I had to say. Apart from that, I know the weekend is coming up and I hope that everyone has time to rest and re-energize themselves. It’s very important to put yourself first, even when things get busy. As you know, I love getting things done over the weekend, for the upcoming week. But I will always try to squeeze some time for self-care.
In today’s blog, I wanted to talk about gratitude. I have a lot to be grateful for. I don’t take one minute of my life for granted. But I’m not perfect. Oh no, I’m far from that. I’ll have my days where I feel angry about the things that happened to me in the past. I’ll ask myself why me? Why did I have to go through what I went through? What was the point of me going through that pain? If I’m being honest with you, I don’t think I’ll ever know the exact answer to those questions. I’m sure you have your own questions and whether you believe in God or your own higher power of your understanding, I don’t think we’ll ever get a clear answer to the “why” of our questions. That’s okay though. I’m sure we will find out as we go through life. I truly believe that my higher power has a purpose for me. I have tried many times during my using days to end my life. It never worked. No matter how much I used one night, it could’ve just been a bad batch, and that would’ve been it. Do want to know something? Today, I am sitting here, writing today’s blog, and I am happy that I’m still here. I will never look back at my younger self and judge her for thinking and doing what she did. In fact, I will have compassion and understanding for her. Because I know she was lost. Deep down she was so broken. That’s why I am grateful to be here. I know that I survived a lot of experiences that could’ve taken my life away, but instead, I’m here talking to you.
This is why I am grateful. Yes, I am grateful for my mom, the family that I have, SafeHope Home, and all my support from the start of my healing back in 2018 till now. The support that I’ve had has always said to me, “it has all been me” but no. Because to get reminded every day of my goals to listen to me and my trauma, really made a huge change in me. It’s like, you all believed in me when I couldn’t, but yes it was up to me to really listen and put in the effort and work. Being grateful has also helped me stay sober. Yes, I’m at a program and it’s easier to be sober while you’re around people that keep you accountable but I can leave today if I wanted to. I could’ve left 3 months ago, yesterday, or the day before that. But it’s when I think about what I have around me physically, spiritually, and mentally that I remember “why I chose every day, to be here and not out there yet.” I think about the healthy relationships that I have now. I think about how much I’ve grown. I think about how much time I’ve put into my healing and how I want this to be the last stop. Why? Oh boy, I’d be here all day telling you why. But in a few sentences, I’ll tell you this. I want to be the sister that my younger brothers deserve. I want to be the daughter that my mom has tried her whole life to cherish and love. I want to be the friend that someone can trust and count on. I want to be someone who loves what she does for a living. I want to be a good girlfriend and wife one day to a man that deserves me. I want to be an aunt one day, maybe a grandma too. I want a good and happy life for myself and those around me. This eagerness to live and keep living didn’t come from doing anything. I came from really doing the work.
Whether it’s one of you or 10, or maybe 20 of you, I hope that I have been able to bring some light to you through my blogs. No matter how small or how big. I hope hearing what I have to say has given you hope that you can do it too if you want it. It’s easier said than done, I get it. But I was someone who never thought she would get sober. I was someone who owed a lot of people an apology. I was someone who didn’t care about anything but myself. I was someone who lied and stole. I was someone who didn’t see a future. I was someone who if caught, could’ve ended up in jail for doing things for my trafficker. I have had to forgive myself for things that I never thought I would be able to forgive. Because I thought forgiving meant to forget. There’s a difference between wanting to forgive yourself and forget. By you forgiving yourself for whatever it is, you’re not to feel guilt or shame or that you’re just going to forget what you did. No, you are forgiving yourself for not knowing better. You’re also forgiving yourself so that you can move on from the pain and guilt that you have carried for however long.
You deserve to live a life where you can be free to make your own choices for you. A life where you choose what is okay and what isn’t okay with you. A life where you get to do what you love. A life where you have genuine people around you that want the best for you. You deserve a good future. No matter what my trafficker said about what life was going to be without him, I choose to not listen to him. And when I was able to, I left him. If I hadn’t left, I know that I would not be here writing this or in general.
I know this was another heavy blog but it would’ve not been the truth if I candy-coated it. This is the raw truth of why being grateful in my life is important. When it’s hard to feel that gratitude I remember my why and that’s what helps me to keep fighting for my future and for the people that love me. Thank you once again for taking time out of your day to read today’s blog post. My younger self thanks you too.
Till next time,