Trigger Warning: Today’s blog mentions eating disorders, working out, body dysmorphia, relapse, depression and drug use.
Hello everyone and welcome back to another blog with Morty! I hope everyone is having a good week! I had another interesting week. It has felt really long and it has had its moments. But no matter what, I wanted to write a blog not only for you to read, but for me especially because it has become an outlet for me where I can share my experiences with all of you, and process things as I go, with the intention of one day, hopefully inspiring someone. I have recently been very consistent with going to the gym. I don’t really talk about it too much, just because it might be triggering for someone going through an eating disorder or struggling with their self-image. Well, that was me once too. When I say that though, it doesn’t mean I’m recovered and it’s not going to happen again and everything is just perfect now. Actually, it just means that it’s not something I’m currently struggling in, but at any point, it can happen again.
In today’s post, I want to talk about my eating disorder, what has helped me and what I’m doing now. As I’ve mentioned before, if this is something you are currently struggling in, please don’t force yourself to keep reading. I will have a blog next week and that one won’t be about any of this. I hesitated again when I decided that I wanted to talk about my binge eating disorder because I know that it can bring up a lot of triggers. But I know deep down that it can also be very helpful to hear about someone’s experience and how they’ve been able to live their day-to-day.
Let’s start from the very beginning. When I was about 9, I remember very vividly someone talking to me about how I should watch what I eat and that exercise is important. Another person when I was 13 said to me “Wow you’ve lost a lot of weight, you look beautiful!”. When I was 15, I was all about sports and dieting. I went to Colombia for a visit when I was 16 and a family member, was like “You’re beautiful, look at how you look. Careful though, you don’t want to gain weight”. When I was 16 the worst thing that could happen (back then it felt like the worst thing that could happen) happened. The guy I had given my virginity to, cheated on me. Things started to go downhill. I was now 17, drinking almost every weekend, smoking marijuana before class, and dating people on a dating site while managing a retail job and school work. I started to gain weight. The year I turned 18, I was doing cocaine almost every weekend and somehow managing my work life since I had now graduated high school and I had no more bills to be responsible for. I met my trafficker when I was 18 turning 19. He had the same drug of choice. How convenient right? At least that’s what I thought back then. So, as you can see, my whole life even before I met my trafficker, I was struggling with my self-image and what came with that. It was when I was with my trafficker that it then got worse and I mean worse. He gave me a number that I had to meet on the scale every month. Once I reached how he wanted me to look, I was being loved more, gifted more, cared for more, looked at more, sexualized more, my value depended on how much more money I could bring, and the list goes on. I wish that I could tell you that it ended when I left him but nope that’s when it got even worse. I was barely eating when I was with my trafficker so when I went to rehab… oh boy. It was like “Hold on, I need to eat 3 meals a day?”. When I went to my first HT program, I started binging and purging. I started dieting and I lost 80 pounds way too quickly and was very unhealthy to only gain it back and more. I didn’t know the damage physically and mentally I was doing to myself. I went to Colombia right after I graduated from that program and people were shocked at how heavy I was now compared to the last time they saw me. I came back home eventually and went through a 4-month period of depression of binging and just living at my mom’s house. Food gave me comfort. I got motivated to get a job and because of how physical the job was, I lost a lot of weight. But I relapsed, so cocaine was again also a part of the “weight” loss, and who’s idea was it? My trafficker who I relapsed with.
I wish I could say that when I got here to SafeHope Home that it all got better but, my binging got bad to the point that I gained 100 pounds in only a few months. So, it wasn’t till this year, that I have been nothing but committed to finding myself again. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days where my body dysmorphia is really bad and I feel like giving up. Staying consistent in losing weight and understanding that I won’t see change right away. But it doesn’t stop there. I have now a healthier relationship with food where I don’t have to feel guilty for eating certain things. Instead, I now meal plan and treat myself here and there. I listen to what my body needs and at the same time I try to remember my goals. But as you can see, it’s definitely been a journey for me to get where I am. I don’t regret a second of it and I know that’s probably what you didn’t expect me to say, but if it wasn’t for those experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be as strong or loving to myself and my own body.
I hope this was something that maybe you needed to hear or if not, either way, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read today’s blog. I know it’s a bit lengthy but I promised myself I would be as open and honest as I can. So, thank you. Thank you for letting me share my story and experiences with you.
It means the world even if only one person has read it.
Till next week,
Your honesty and strength are very inspiring! Helps me to ask for help and have a community of support. Thank you and keep going!