Hi there and welcome back!
I want to start off the blog today with a poem by Rupi Kaur. She writes beautiful poems. A good friend of mine actually showed me her work one day, and I loved her writing right there and then. The way she writes is so inspiring and so relatable that I couldn’t help but be intrigued. So why am I bringing this up? Well, there’s this quote by her that caught my attention and if I’m being honest, it hit home. The poem goes like this; “Every time you tell your daughter you yell at her out of love you teach her to confuse anger with kindness which seems like a good idea till she grows up to trust men who hurt her cause they look so much like you”.
What I will be sharing with you today is something I have contemplated doing because it’s personal to me. It speaks about my truth and at the end of the day no matter what, I love my dad. I always have, since I was a little girl. But if I’m being honest with myself, this is something that I have struggled with for most of my life and just recently I have been able to find peace within my heart and forgive him for not knowing better, so that I could move on and heal.
So when I read that quote, it made me think about one person only, my dad. It made me think about this little girl who wanted to be heard and loved. Who constantly wanted his attention and embrace. Unfortunately, it wasn’t always like that. My dad grew up with his dad also not being the best role model for him. I’m not making excuses for the way he treated me, but I’m old enough now to understand that it was the only way he knew how to love and parent. I know you’re probably wondering what exactly he did, but all you need to know is that no matter if it’s physical abuse or verbal abuse, it still hurts the same. People can maybe disagree, but no matter if you can’t see a physical wound, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a wound internally within them forever, until that person heals their inner child.
I ended up being in toxic relationships because I was used to being completely okay with being treated the only way I’ve ever known to be treated. I’m not going to sit here and tell you every little detail, but what I will say is that I grew up thinking certain things were normal and I grew up having to be quiet instead of standing up for myself to avoid any problems. This led to me thinking that certain things were okay in relationships. That obeying a male figure was the only way to show respect. That things such as love, needed to be earned. For example, I saw my parents in love from a young age, but I also knew how my dad would treat my mom and how my mom would react when they were in an argument. That too made me think, “Well if my mom was able to put up with him before they got divorced, then I can too.”
Now, I do want to make something clear. Do I blame him for me getting trafficked? Absolutely not. Do I blame him for not giving me the role model that I needed from a father as a little girl? No. But was I attracted to the only way I have ever known a man to be in my life? Yes. Because that’s what I thought love was. I know that he didn’t know better. It doesn’t take away from all the laughs and good memories I have with him. It doesn’t take away from the efforts I know he’s made but it is still something that I will always have to accept about my past with him.
I have to remember that it wasn’t my fault. I was and have always been enough for him. I don’t hold him accountable for the pain I carried and numbed for years. Nobody is perfect and he and I have had many conversations about it. Do we have the best relationship now? No. But I have learned to accept who he is and who he isn’t. I want to also finish by saying that I wouldn’t change anything about my past, because, without it, I wouldn’t be as strong and wise as I am today.
Thank you for reading today’s blog post,
Till next time!