Recently, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety when thinking about the new chapter that I’m about to embark on. I thought that I would explain to you what I’ve been feeling and what I think is behind these anxieties. Over the past few years, I’ve become accustomed to things going wrong whether it be because of my own actions, my addiction, circumstance, or at the hands of my abusers. For a long time, I thought that furthering my education and having a career that I enjoyed just wasn’t in the cards for me. After doing extensive trauma work here at SafeHope Home, I’ve decided that I would like to go to school. Most of the time, the goal of graduating feels reasonable. However, my anxiety still creeps up as I anticipate something is bound to go wrong. It is me we are talking about here.
The human brain becomes accustomed to patterns. It’s a natural human behaviour. Coming out of trauma (constant chaos), I have to retrain my brain to function in calm. Even though I have gone through all the proper steps to set myself up for success in school, I still feel like there’s something that’s going to fall through. For example, my funding will fall through and I won’t be able to pay for my semester, I won’t be able to keep up with school work, or my accessibility to school will be taken away from me. It’s a constant internal battle, and the only way I really get through it is by reminding myself of my current reality. I am safe, I’ve done everything I could possibly do to set myself up for success, there’s no real reason why I shouldn’t succeed.
All these fears are things that I think I’m going to live with for a while.
I imagine once my life begins to calm down more, they won’t be as prevalent. However, as of now, I deal with them on a daily basis. I’ve learned that although these feelings suck, they’re manageable. Also, proving myself wrong does feel really good. I will only continue to grow and create a life for myself that I have always dreamed of. I just have to take things one day at a time, one step at a time, while keeping the positive energy that I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Ciao for now