I know that I’ve written plenty about making choices and decisions that will help move oneself forward in recovery compared to hurting oneself, but what I have come to realize in a time of my life where there is so much change is that it is totally normal to doubt yourself sometimes. Doubt can be a completely healthy thing, similarly to fear, when you listen to it in the sense of preventing yourself from experiencing harm, double checking things and making sure all your ducks are in a row. Doubt and fear become an issue when they become barriers to you doing what will help you become successful in life and taking the next step in recovery.
As I mentioned in the last blog post, I am making a bitter-sweet transition out of SafeHope Home. Some of the thoughts that I’ve had surround me being concerned about dealing with loneliness, coping with stress, financial challenges, maintaining structure on my own and how it’s going to feel not having 24/7 security anymore. Now, all of these thoughts are perfectly normal, especially when leaving a safe house that you’ve been living in for the past two years that has done an excellent job at ensuring all of your needs are met.
When these doubts and fears creep into my mind, something that I am now fortunate enough to be able to do is use the skills that I have to give myself a reality check and combat them. Yes, it might be a bit lonely living on my own, but I have people I can call, reach out to, see over zoom, and see (that are in my ‘bubble’). I’ve learned very effectively how to cope with stress and have learned how to budget well enough to support myself living independently with the income that I have. I have created a schedule of what my days are going to look like, including productivity things and self-care things to keep myself accountable and am looking into different locks and security systems to give me the same peace of mind I have here.
What I’m trying to say, is that like so many people, there are always going to be negative thoughts and doubts that creep into your head telling you that you can’t do something. The thing is, you are right either way, depending on what voice you listen to- the one telling you you can or the one telling you you can’t. You (and me) have to choose if you are going to stand in the way of being successful in moving forward in life and a lot of this has to do with action and attitude. You can choose whether to address different anxieties you have about something and make a plan, or you can do nothing and hope for the best but ‘expect the worst’ (not what I recommend).
I do believe that God/ the Universe/ whatever you believe in has a plan, but I also believe that we have the power to do some footwork to sway things in our favour sometimes rather than just sitting back helplessly. Whether it is in regard to healing from trauma, getting sober, moving, or anything- I am the one in control of how I approach the situation and how much effort I put into it and that is going to determine what I get out of it.
It’s taken a long time to get here, longer than these past two years, but I am at a point where I really want this, and I genuinely believe that I deserve good things in life now. Someone asked me the other day how I knew I was ready to leave, and I found that it was actually hard to describe. There have been times that I thought I was ready before or wanted to leave because I so badly wanted to rush the process and prove to myself and everyone else that I was better, but it was different this time. I had this undeniable gut feeling that I had never had before with any of the other times, and I knew that now I was ready. I have all my supports in place, I have been connected with everything I need to be connected to, I am a great advocate for myself and it is time for me to start the next chapter of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, me moving forward doesn’t mean I don’t still have challenges or that I’m completely ‘cured.’ Recovery and healing is a long, long process. There are still things that come up for me that I have to deal with, but that’s something that I choose to do now. I choose to deal with it. I choose to overcome it. I choose to change.